I’ve been struggling with a problem these past months. It’s not that I’m growing a tiny person inside my body, but thatis happening and is also tangentially related. It’s six months into my pregnancy and up to this point I have been essentially in professional denial of the fact. Some clients I am currently working with know about it because being six months pregnant is hard to conceal and I’m running out of non-elasticated clothes. I have shared no social media posts about it on my professional accounts and unless you’re a friend, family or you’ve seen me, you’re unlikely to have found out at all. The main reason for this blackout is that
I have a genuine concern that prospective clients will discover I am pregnant (and therefore likely to be taking time off to be a mum) and will decide not to employ me.
Maybe permanently. Yup. That is a genuine worry. I’ve expressed this concern to a few people and their initial response is incredulity, but followed by an accepting, “you’re probably right though”. Even if I am back at work soon after the birth, they may find other people to work with and not wait for me. I’ve spent a long time building up a client base and working really hard on my practice and it’s really tough to feel it could all be whisked away because I have a womb and have made the difficult decision to have a lodger in it. Ironically I’m predicting I’ll need more income but will have less ways of generating it as I will be caring for a child. This was not an easy choice, nor was it an accident. I’ve been putting it off for a couple of years because I wasn’t ready for my life to change in that way. Even the practicalities of having no pension, maternity leave or official pay weigh on my mind. It’s a lot for me to take on and it’s difficult to allow myself to be so vulnerable and admit I can’t do whatever I want. So, back to the problem of how to tackle pregnancy when you’re a self employed illustrator.
Last week I had a couple of exchanges with mothers and young women and it made me ask myself, “What would feminists do?” There are likely dozens of answers to this question
but for me, the question I am posing becomes, how does this play out in a way that makes me feel comfortable, allows the door to be open on the prospect of work (but also potentially to close) while also demonstrating good practice for people in this same position after me? WWFD? My current conclusion is that concealing my pregnancy is not going to work long term. Why make my life harder pretending I have the same capacity to work as I did six months ago? Because I don’t. Why am I hiding something that so many people do? Why don’t I think I can ‘own’ it? This is all going on at the same time as actually trying to do my job.
My life is very different from six months ago, six months from now it will be even further from my previously accepted normality. It may be harder, I may be distracted, it may have a clarity I lacked before. That’s the thing, I don’t know.
Can I return to work this time next year? Will I want to? Will I have a choice? I don’t know.
That’s the crux I think. If I am asked, “can you do these workshops in the Spring?” I don’t know. I may not even ever want to come back to work.
Right now I’m in the process of winding up most client work to make room for life in general (which has been harder than usual for reasons outwith pregnancy), but also because running my retail arm is pretty much a full time position alone and I want things to be running smoothly, even if I can’t be present all the time.
There are lots of reasons to decide whether to employ me or not, but I feel this one is one I have little control over. If my prices, demeanor or style don’t suit folk, that’s OK, but it feels unfair that I have to navigate the gauntlet of whether the baby will affect my working life beyond what I can control. If they’re an angel child, I can likely get on with work but if they’re anything like Rosemary’s Baby (which they will be, since that’s my name), I’ll just be relieved to get through each day without being hounded by Satanists.
